Tue 13th Feb 2007

To my loving partner PJ.

Tue 13th Feb 2007 I’m laying on an ED bed with blood coming out of one arm, needles and tubes in the other and bracing the bars of my bed with my hands as the pain starts to get worse and worse again as at has been for the past 3 hrs now. There are doctors walking in and out and l still don’t know what is wrong with me but the pain is getting worse and worse by the min. Your mother is there with me and l know you are on your way from work to be with me but time is going so slowly and l don’t know how long l have got, my mind is racing back and forth, what’s happening to me here, what is it, what will they find. God someone give me something for the pain, just hang in there l hear the nurse say will we give you something soon, we just have to do more tests first, fuck the tests l think, just stop this pain and stop it now. Then l see your face in the curtain beside my bed and the look on your face said it all to me. The man l love was in pain too, deep pain, scary pain, and there was nothing he could do for me as well, but just stand by me and watch on. Finally l got some morphine and that was weird as fuck too because l had never had that before and my head went swimming, l had no control over my mind nor body, it scared the fuck out me again, how much more of this could l take, please god just stop this for 1 min so l could relax and think. The pain started to ease off now and l started to breathe easier and slowly relax into my bed and look around. The doctor came back in and told me that l had appendicitis and that it needed to come out ASAP, well thank god, it wasn’t the best news but l knew now that l would be alright and in time l would get back on my feet and be my normal self again.
But the really reason for writing this was not to tell the story off what happened to me, but what l was thinking at the time l saw you PJ, you stated in your card to me the next day, that you finally understood how much l love you and that l mean every word of it, no matter how good or bad, and in a small way that is true my little man, but in those moments in that bed in ED l wasn’t thinking about me, nor the pain l was in, l was thinking of you and the pain you were in, the thoughts in your mind, the things we might never get to do with each other, my life has been hell for the past 3 years before l met you and in those years it all ended with me trying to take my own life and finish it once and for all, but something happen and turned me around and lead me to you, a life that was now filled with love and new advantages, and l was thinking in that bed, god don’t you dare do this to me now, don’t take this away from me, don’t make someone else feel pain for my mistakes, something brought us together we don’t know what, but don’t end it this way, don’t make our life shit again and don’t make PJ suffer because of it. And all l could think of PJ was if l don’t die this time what will happen to you when that day finally does come around, how will you go on, is it fair to make someone you love so much go through this. At that moment l wished l had die back then in those years of hell, because now l feel guilty about what was happening now, l felt that if we never met, you wouldn’t be feeling this way now, and that l have hurt the only thing l have ever truly loved in this world. But after reading your card again today at home after the operation and all is well apart from the pain still, l had time to really think about us and that no matter what happens to each of us from now on, it is the now time we can thank god for, the time we have now to play, love and do the things we want to do, so from this day Pete we will live our dreams, do the things we both want to do, and enjoy ever minute of our life’s together, because god has given us the chance to live, so lets live little man and dam well enjoy it.
Pj l love you with all my body, well not my appendicitis because l don’t have them anymore LOL